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Monday, January 9, 2017

How Malaysian Are You? - 5 Things on the Checklist

you see aa.. nowadays people around the world are setting their eyes on malaysia you know. ya laa... malaysia got twin towers whaaattt. where got couple tower like that somewhere else leh? haaa.. malaysia only got only~

some more aa... we got the kinabatangan river. eh. other kina. kinabalu. the mountain. mat salehs suka go there panjat2 one. then commit stupid acts, then make viral their stupidity. good one lah ho? gila la these people. clever eat, clever keep la. aiyoo

and then recently aa, whole malaysia got syiok you know. syiok laaa, bukan shocked. well actually shocked pun also can, but that one aa early2 time we got the news. what news? no.... not that super rich arab who donated a malaysian here some money~ alaaa not much pon. you all saje kecoh2. envious lettew. try you that got the money. you sure senyap one also meh. =p

i'm talking bout this fella. this fantastic footballer. faiz subri. so who's this faiz subri? aiyo, i yang not a soccer fan pon tau, ok. he's nominated for PUSKAS award. what award? award laaa... for most cantik goal one~ the other day he tendang bola flew over a fence of defenders then somehow magically softlanded in the goal just few inches beyond the goalie's reach. you don't know ah? ceyh. watch la below. not my below la silly. hesh!

holy shit right? haaaa.. told you.. malaysia boleh! :D

okay. now we know malaysians are the greatest people in the world behind americans . and canadians (they got superb line of ministers weeyyhh..). but how the actual hell to know you're among the great malaysian? read on. see where you got things in common or not.

1. malaysians and time aren't aligned nor paralleled 

one thing you must do to become a great malaysian... is disregard the punctuality. more like disobey la kot. come late to whatever function you suppose to attend. the japanese invented time. no, bukan clock or watch. i mean time. lol. kidding2. hyperbolically saying that they are super perfect timer. if they saymeeting at 8, then 8 sharp they start. arrival? doesn't matter. they'll be there before 8, even milliseconds before the set time. 

malaysian, in comparison, must not come on time. if you want people to come at 8, tell them that the meeting starts at 7.30. or 7.20, if you don't want to sound typical lah. they'll show up at 8.05 to 8.15. kira ok la tu since your hidden attention is to start at 8.30. otherwise aaa, if you want them to come before 8, then start the program at 8 sharp... you go jump bridge first, die first, reincarnate yourself and then bertaubat for stupid instructions you wished to be fulfilled by your fellow malaysians. 

you did this too right? right? ececeyyy... hahaha . source

heard of "janji melayu" ? that's the term for this case. so faiz subri. no need pakai baju melayu sampin songkok bagai... just come late. that surely shows major malaysian punya identiti. hahahaha

2. we buy blinkers/indicators separately

malaysians are psychic. really. most of us. you see a car in front of you, closing a simpang or something, you surely extremely fantastically pasti that swear words will come out of your mouth. just be ready to maki.  if you takmau maki pun, you certainly putting your foot on the brake already. why? malaysian drivers know best. go tanya around. hahaha

malaysians are kaya people. rich. wealthy bunch of brainless tards. not all la. i'm talking bout the ones yang bought kereta without buying the indicators. or blinkers. we call it signal. that's why most of the time you can see drivers masuk simpang, take over, change lane etc without bagi signal. 1, because we can read minds. no need to tell others you wanna masuk kiri or kanan. they know. 2, those yang bagi signal are super kaya, because they could afford the indicators yang normally cannot be found in cars in malaysia. and they're not great malaysian la of course. great malaysian read the next action by heart laaa. luls~

malaysians don't like being so straightforward. nak masuk simpang, nak tukar lane, bagi signal. pffttt.. tadika stuff. go check their lesen. competent or still L. or P. =p

3. pickup line is the new nasik goreng USA

what the hell?. lol. anyways. malaysians have the sweetest lips and tongues in the world. figuratively, thankfully. you wanna blend in the crowd? arm yourself with a bible of pickup lines. that, my friend, is your ultimate weapon in your arsenal to blowtorch melt the hearts of gadis2 hakak2 hadek2 mak2 anywhere in malaysia. 

really. who doesn't like sugarcoated words and phrases and sentences which arguably yet technically meant to shower your heart with cotton-like softness petals of sweet edible flowers. okay too much. but really, malaysians nowadays are essentially great with pickup lines. be firing them, or passing the baton, or tossing the boomerang... words uttered are the key to open up possibilities longed for whatever reasons. don't ask me. i only tau whose line is it anyway je. yeah i'm old sia. hahaha.

4. viralisation

malaysians once recorded among the top users of social media platforms. once ke? rasa macam still je. lol. they have one trait in common. the culture of "share first, sorry later". or rather "share fast! sorry? never" . lol. 

really meh? really horr... we might not possess lightning fast sprinters nor runners, or swimmers or whatsoever athletes. but malaysians are champions in the league of make-viral-whatever-pops-on-the screen. 

to be a great malaysian you must put aside your malu, store it in a tin milo, wrap it tight in kain or plastic, and bury it in the middle of hutan taman negara ahang. shame? shy? no such vocab in great malaysians' dictionary. malaysians seek attention at their best. makan paling banyak ke, climbed the highest billboard ke, operating a crane without anyone's consent ke, planking on a motorcycle which is speeding at 130 kmph ke... whatever lah. all must be recorded. video, baby. upload it. share it. like it. comment. bash. all in the name of a desired fame.

if you see a house on fire, you must quickly take your phone out! before you dial or call for help, you must take picture of the inferno. selfie sedas dua as memorabilia. post them in your instagram, on facebook, twitter. wait for people to like and comment. attend their questions and respond as quickly as possible. you don't want people to wait for your reply right? house is already on fire. what to do. other people there also taking pictures of themselves with the collapsing house as background. it's a once in a lifetime opportunity maaa... where got people bakar rumah hari2, right? 

5. haters and supporters are life!

great malaysians can be great trend setters, great followers, great supporters, and great haters at miraculously the same time. how people divide themselves into groups and clans, i have no idea. but yeah. bobo, coco, nur sajat, ayda jebat, hiphopers vs ravers vs k-popers, budak pavi budak klcc budak LRT budak MRT... eh so much more lah cults in malaysia nih. bleh hari2 feature kat #motifviral. eh

one thing for sure, you have to choose your side. you know like anakin... sorry, darth vader offering luke to join the dark side? yeah. to be or not to be. if you like to go with the flow, just support whatever most great malaysians are bashing day and night, inside out. if you wanna stand out and make your own cult or something like magneting the spotlight onto yourself, you can go against the crowd. may the odd be ever in your favour, dear raver. ekeke

how's it? ada kena one? kalau ada, then you're on your way, you're on the righteous path... on becoming... another. great. malaysian.

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